Dumb reasons couples take breaks

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As someone who as attempted the futile and rather hopeless break in a relationship—multiple times—and watched other couples give obstacles a try, I am decidedly someone who does not believe in taking a break from a relationship. I believe in being in a relationship or breaking up. Nobody even really knows what a break is. Are you…seeing other people? Are you single? Are you supposed to go to therapy? Nobody knows because breaks are kind of, well, unicorns—they aren’t real, but we’d like them to be. We force them to be. But you can put a sparkly third horn on a horse and you can call some odd time apart a fancy name like a “break” and at the end of the day, both of these are rather phony. Of course, people think they have their reasons for taking breaks. Here they are, and why they don’t hold much water.

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One is depressed

Some couples take a break because one individual is depressed, and doesn’t feel emotionally strong enough to be in a relationship. It is, understandably, challenging when one person in a relationship is depressed. It can put a burden on the other so, some pairs think time apart is best.

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One is still getting over an ex

I’ve heard of many couples taking a break because one person was still hung up on an ex. If not hung up on an ex, the person was still messed up from their last relationship. Either way, a previous relationship was affecting the current one and they just thought a little time apart was all they needed to get over that.

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Why it doesn’t work

Nobody can heal on a timeline. True healing only happens when you do it just for yourself, and give yourself all the time you need to do it. If you are still messed up from a previous relationship, you can’t just say to your partner, “Let’s take a month apart—I’ll be all better by then.” It doesn’t work that way. You can’t rush healing.

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A tragedy or loss

I actually once dated a guy, and during our relationship, he found out that his father had a terminal illness. Naturally, this affected my now-ex deeply. It affected his moods and behaviors in a way that, we just stopped getting along. We attempted a break, and when we came back, nothing had changed.

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Why it doesn’t work

Tragedy and loss are two other inevitable parts of life. You can’t just go on a vacation while your partner is grieving, and come back when he’s ready. That’s called being a selfish and absent partner. That being said, if you’re with the right person, you won’t want to leave him when he’s suffering. Ultimately, it wasn’t my ex’s grief that drove us apart. His grief only amplified incompatibilities that existed either way.

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Inability to get along

Couples that fight all the time are prone to taking breaks. We all know this pair—one week, they’re professing that their partner is their soulmate on Facebook and the next they’re posting about lessons they’ve learned about relationships and how they’re in a time of healing. And it goes on and on. They always think a little time apart will just kill the volatility.

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Why it doesn’t work

Two people who scream and yell at each other all of the time typically have emotional issues that require years of therapy. You can’t just wait for these to go away, like the flu.

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Too busy with careers

This is another reason I, personally, have taken a break. I was with someone who said he was just so busy with his career that he needed a break until things calmed down. So we took that break, still talking every day—him just getting the benefit of having no pressure to actually make time for me in his life.

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Why it doesn’t work

Everyone is busy but, miraculously, when you’re with the right person, you make that person a priority. Whether that ex of mine really just didn’t love me or didn’t yet know how to make a relationship a priority, no short break was going to change that.

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Different life goals

Some couples who take breaks get along fine, and are actually really happy together, except for one thing: they have different life goals. One is set on having kids, and one is set on not. One is set on living in the city forever, and one knows she cannot be happy in the city much longer. So, feeling at a standstill, they take a break.

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Why it doesn’t work

Unfortunately, this pair is just delaying the inevitable. No matter how long the break lasts, each person will still have the same desires and goals and needs. Time apart cannot change that.

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Loss of attraction

Sometimes, when couples still love each other but just don’t feel in love—things have simmered to platonic—they take a break. Maybe during that time they are allowed to…date other people. It’s supposed to help them miss each other or see if this relationship is really what they want.

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Why it doesn’t work

A lot of relationships lose that spark. Sleeping with other people rarely helps get it back. It only creates drama and complications. There are exercises a couple can do in therapy to get that spark back. Or, they may truly just no longer have a chance. But a break isn’t the answer.

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Breaks are just avoidance

Part of being a couple means working through things together. It doesn’t mean going to your separate corners for months, until you can finally tolerate each other again or feel that you’ve gotten better on your own. Solid, healthy couples grow, struggle, and heal together. If you need to be apart from someone for a long time to be happy with them sometimes, you aren’t meant for each other.