Ways to be a better listener in all of your relationships

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Being a good listener is one of the greatest attributes a person could possibly have. Really listening, and hearing what people are saying, actually makes you powerful. Ironically, people who talk too much and monopolize conversations often believe that they are gaining power by doing this. But over-talking, and under-listening, really just denotes insecurity and a lack of confidence. When a person knows she is worthy of respect, she is interesting, and she is intelligent, she doesn’t feel the need to prove it by gabbing constantly. That knowledge comes with a silent calmness. Meanwhile, those who actually need to compensate for something, well, they tend to talk a lot. So, consider listening more and talking less. You already know what’s going on in your mind—so you only gain new information by listening to others. Here are ways to be a better listener in all of your relationships.

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Release your thoughts

When someone is talking, you likely come up with something you’d like to say to every half of each sentence. So, you cling onto one of those, and then tune out until the person is silent, only commenting on that thing you clung onto that they said several minutes ago.

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Wait until the end

Instead of trying to remember every response you come up with, as thoughts pop up when someone is talking, release them. Let them float by. But keep your mind open to taking in everything they have to say, until they are done talking, before formulating a response. Then you’ll actually answer everything they said, rather than just one thing you clung onto earlier.

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Remember information is power

How many times have you been wrong about someone? Admit it: probably a lot. And the reason it took you so long to see their true colors was because you weren’t listening. If you’d let them talk more, earlier on in the relationship, you may have realized “Oh I do (or don’t) actually like this person.”

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And power helps you save time

If you let other people talk more, then you learn their desires, what motivates them, their fears, their insecurities, their buttons, and the things that make them happy. And when you know all that, when it is your turn to speak, you can do so more efficiently and effectively. Listening more now and talking later can mean the conversation goes better.

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You don’t always need to answer

Know that you don’t always need to answer someone. You should acknowledge that they’ve spoken, of course, but, keep in mind that you aren’t always responsible for finding a solution to their problem. Sometimes people just want to be heard, not helped, but if you’re focusing on helping, you may not be listening.

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Ask what you can do

If it seems like the person does want your help, just ask how you can help. It’s not your job to always start pitching ways. And, sometimes, the person can feel bulldozed when you do that. Simply asking, “How can I help?” shows you’re understanding that they are in need.

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Other people are interesting

Like I mentioned before, remember that you already know what’s going on in your head. So when you speak, you don’t gain new information. When you listen, you get to hear about the perspectives and stories of other people—you gather information you didn’t have before.

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Pick up on tone

In conversation, tone is everything. When you respond to someone, you should respond about 40 percent to what they said, and 60 percent to their tone.

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Respond to tone

When a boss or loved one yells, irritated, “Why didn’t you clean this up!” you have to realize that, something else is at play. A simple dirty dish doesn’t make someone that angry. So, answering why you literally didn’t clean that dish yet won’t appease them. They need somebody to ask them how their day was, or what else is going on.

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Be physically present

If someone needs to talk to you about something important, stop what you’re doing. Don’t try to multi-task and continue to put silverware away or finish up that email. You know how irritated it makes you when you try to talk to someone who is multi-tasking.

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If you can’t be present, say so

People will always rather have you say, “This isn’t a great time to talk and I want to give this conversation the attention it deserves. Can we talk in ten minutes?” rather than have you pretend to listen.

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Listen to feelings

This is so important in romantic relationships. Your partner is rarely upset about one thing—he’s upset that you’ve been overall making him feel a certain way. Simply turning your work phone off during dinner, for example, won’t address the fact that he perhaps feels overall neglected. Addressing that should be your main concern—not just addressing the one, small symptom he brought up.

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Don’t make it about you

When someone tells you a story, that shouldn’t be seen as an opportunity for you to share your same story. Conversations aren’t meant to be a competition for each person to contribute as much as possible.

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But comment and question

You can still participate in a conversation, without making the person’s story about you. When the other person finishes a chunk of their story, try to sum up what they’re saying (aka feeling) and repeat it back to them. Or, ask questions to clarify parts you didn’t understand. That’s a way to participate without making it about you.

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Remember most details don’t matter

Maybe this is harsh but, once you accept it, you’ll be happier: most details don’t matter. Is your relationship with someone stronger because you tell them about your manicurist choosing the wrong polish or the construction in your building running long? Not really. Try to just share the big, important information in conversations to free up time for listening.