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There are some relationship truths that are better thought silently than said aloud. I’m in a great relationship. Things run pretty smoothly. But a lot of that has to do with my putting to use some of the many important (and difficult) relationship truths I’ve learned over the years. The thing is that, these truths are just a part of my subconscious now. I don’t need to remind myself of them—they’re deep in my psyche, and play a role in all the decisions I make in my relationship. Now, what I will say is that, they are all truths I had to learn the hard way—most of us do. We learn these nuggets of wisdom in the wrong relationships, and then we apply them to future relationships to make them better. But once we’re in the right relationship, we don’t really have to think about them anymore. Let me explain: here are phrases only people in bad relationships say out loud.
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Every couple fights
Of course they do! I’m not going to sit here and pretend that my boyfriend of five plus years and I have never gotten into a fight. But, we don’t get into many. It’s the couples who fight way too much that wind up saying, “Hey—every couple fights.”
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Relationships take work
They definitely do, but I get so much in return from my relationship that I don’t even notice or feel the work, so I never would find myself saying, “Relationships take work.” It’s typically just people whose relationships are too much work that say this.
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Space is a good thing
Without question. It’s not like my boyfriend and I spend every waking minute together. I am aware, on a subconscious level, that the time we are apart is good for us as a couple and as individuals. But, I love him and miss him so much—and have so much fun when we are together—that I wouldn’t find any natural occasion to say, “Space is a good thing.” Usually couples who lead too separate of lives say this as an excuse.
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It’s okay to have different interests
Absolutely true. My boyfriend and I have a lot of different interests. But, that being said, we also have enough of the same ones to enjoy spending plenty of time together. “It’s okay to have different interests” is typically something someone says when their friends point out that, well, they kind of have nothing in common with their partner.
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You don’t have to tell your partner everything
No, you don’t. I’m sure if I racked my brain, I’d discover things I didn’t tell my partner. But, there is a difference between something just not coming up, and actively concealing information. I’ve never lied to my partner, or purposefully kept pertinent information from him. Couples who do, however, tend to say that “You don’t have to tell your partner everything.”
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He’s not the boss of me
Well, duh. If you have a dynamic in which your partner feels like you’re boss, then that is an emotionally abusive relationship. But if you get to a place where you say, “He’s not the boss of me” you’re either A) with someone controlling or B) you don’t like to consider your partner’s feelings in your decisions. Neither of those is good.
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You need to keep the mystery alive
Mmmm not really. The couples I know who’ve been happily (that’s the key word here) together for decades are super comfortable and open with each other. They’ve nursed each other through colonoscopy prep and opened up about their deepest insecurities. I’ve noticed couples who focus on keeping the mystery alive just don’t get to be that close.
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My “current” partner
I suppose technically my boyfriend is my current partner but, to say “current” implies there will be other, future, different partners. He’s my boo. My man. My main squeeze. There is nothing transient about it.
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Things could be worse
Things could always be worse but, if you’re in a great relationship, you shouldn’t find yourself saying that. You should find yourself saying, “Things literally couldn’t be better.”
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I don’t need him to be my friend; I have friends
It’s very healthy to have friends outside of your relationship. And, no, you don’t need your partner to be your friend. That being said, if you don’t feel that he’s your friend, you’re probably in the wrong relationship.
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I’m not his mother
No, you are not! But, if you find yourself in a relationship where you need to say this then, you’re probably with someone who is irresponsible, makes poor decisions, and puts a lot of his stuff on you to resolve.
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Relationships aren’t all about sex
They certainly are not. My boyfriend and I had sex like three times a day when we started dating and now, five-plus years in, we’re looking at once a week. But I do still acknowledge that sex is important to maintaining intimacy, and I fear that couples who say “Relationships aren’t all about sex” have just given up on sex, and are in denial about the fact that it does matter.
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You can’t have it all
No, I suppose you can’t. But when you’re with the right person you feel like you have it all. You’d never say, “You can’t have it all” because that would imply you’re focusing on what you don’t have, rather than what you do have.
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A little jealousy is a good thing
I guess that, technically, if your partner were incapable of feeling jealous about you then, something is wrong. But I’ve noticed that folks who say, “A little jealousy is a good thing” have a habit of trying to provoke jealousy in their partners.
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You gotta pick your battles
This is very true, and a statement that I live and breathe. It’s how I’ve stayed in a relationship for five years. But, I feel so overwhelmingly respected, and I truly feel that my needs are met, so I don’t mind letting a few battles slide. I sometimes worry that people who say out loud, “You gotta pick your battles” are people who never pick any of them, and get stepped all over.
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