When your ex gets with someone younger

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Seventy-year-old men with forty-five-year-old women. Fifty-year-old-men with twenty-nine-year-olds. We see it all of the time. We know it’s out there. But here’s one side of that dynamic that we don’t think about: the exes they left behind. The older men, that is. Somewhere, for every major age-gap relationship, there is an ex (who is the same age as the older man) shaking her head. It always stings when your ex marries somebody new. But when he marries someone 20 to 30 years his junior…it stings extra bad. And it’s confusing. It’s infuriating. It’s funny. It’s sad. It’s a lot of things that just make you do a double take and need a double scotch on the rocks. If you’re divorced, you may think you know what went wrong, but when you see your ex pop up with a new wife that could be his daughter, you question everything you think you know. Here’s what you’ll think when your ex gets with someone MUCH younger.

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She must be less combative

He’s clearly with her because she’s less combative—the younger ones always are. But she’ll get older, like everyone does, and she’ll also discover his bullsh*t ways, and realize life isn’t always fun and light and breezy, and she’ll start to argue, too. He’ll see.

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Typical

So, it turns out he’s just a brute Neanderthal after all. I thought my ex was this intelligent, evolved man but nope—he’s just like any hunk of flesh with high testosterone that values perky breasts over a good conversation.

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Good luck keeping up with her

I’ll love to see him try to keep up with her with all the midnight concerts and night clubs that don’t even get going until 1 am and friends that want to go on river rafting trips and zip-lining. Ha! He better get a better health insurance plan.

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Especially in bed

And he’s in for a rude awakening when he sees that he can’t do any of the things she wants to do in bed because his hips and bad knees can’t handle it. Oh, and the fact that his old *ss doesn’t even have the sex drive to match hers anymore, so she’ll probably be driven to cheat.

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And have fun with that ED, honey!

Meanwhile, I hope she really enjoys this old man who takes forever to get hard and is usually too depressed or stressed to even want to have sex.

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When did I become too old for him?

I wonder when exactly I became officially too old for him. Was it when I turned…30? 40? 26? Did he just see me as some old lady he was stuck with for the last 12 years of our marriage?!

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He just thinks he gets a redo

Oh I see. He’s just going to go pick up a child and see if she is more trainable than I was. He just thinks he gets to do the whole thing all over again. Guess what, buddy? You’re old! You aren’t the man you were when we married in our twenties.

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So he can be a grandpa and a new dad—great

Terrific. So if they have children, one of his children will be the same age as one of his grandchildren through our children. That’s not embarrassing and absurd at all.

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She’s with him for his money

She’s obviously with him for his money. Why would an attractive young woman choose someone with saggy you-know-what over another attractive young thing if there weren’t money in it?

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They look ridiculous

They look so silly. Everyone must stare at them everywhere they go. I can’t imagine how many restaurant hosts ask him where he and his “daughter” would like to sit.

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I was too independent for him

I knew I was too independent for him. He’s a weak man who needs his ego stroked. He needs to be with someone young because only someone young will think he’s some highly accomplished genius. I knew better, and he didn’t like that.

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His friends’ wives will hate this

Oh, his friends’ wives will hate this. Now on double date night, they have to try to make conversation with basically a teenager.

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Wow. We really weren’t compatible

Only now that I see that he’d rather be with college coeds do I realize just how incompatible we were. I am a grown woman who was trying to maintain a marriage with a man-child.

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She’s part of a mid-life crisis

If it weren’t her, it would be a Ferrari, or muscle building steroids, or a facelift. She’s just part of his mid life crisis.