How to move forward after cheating

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Seek counseling

You’ll give your relationship a much greater chance at survival if you seek counseling. A counselor can help you identify your issues that triggered the cheating, and can counsel you through steps you can take to fix those issues. And you will have to put your pride aside big time and accept you—and not just the cheater—may have some personal work to do.

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Yell a lot

1. A) Because you’re allowed to—he cheated and B) Because it’s good for you. You have to release the tension. You need to let your anger out. If you don’t yell as much as you need to, you’ll wind up releasing that anger in destructive, passive aggressive ways.

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Spend time apart

It could actually really benefit you to spend some time apart. You don’t need to break up but, if you spend a few weeks (or a few months) apart you can see how much you actually miss this person. It’s good to live the answer to the question: can you live without him? What are you giving up if you end things? It’s just really valuable to take some space after such a big incident.

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Don’t punish him forever

Unfortunately, you don’t get to punish him forever. You should totally yell a lot at first but, that will have to taper off eventually. You can’t verbally berate him for the rest of your relationship—that’s no relationship at all. And, if you punish him forever, then you haven’t actually forgiven him.

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Let him try to make it up to you

He will make attempts to make it up to you. He’ll cook for you, he’ll do your chores and his, he’ll buy you presents, he’ll do all of the things he wouldn’t do before that you wanted him to do. Don’t tell him to stop, or that it won’t help—he has to try to make it up to you, for his own emotional health.

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But know he can’t really make it up to you

You, on your end, need to manage expectations as he tries to make it up to you and realize that he kind of can’t. If people could just make it up to someone when they cheated then they’d probably cheat all of the time. Let him to try to make it up to you for his sake, and not for yours.

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Get ready for bouts of paranoia

Even after you’ve been through plenty of counseling and you think your relationship is fixed, bouts of paranoia will still sneak up. Just know that they’re coming, so they don’t take you by surprise and make you think that you need to break up. Occasional paranoia is normal after being cheated on.

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And for him to eventually tire of your paranoia

You should also know that, if you do become paranoid years after the cheating, your partner might become irritated. He may think he already did his time and made amends. And you will get really angry with him for being annoyed with you for being paranoid—he caused this! This is just part of the cycle.

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Do. Not. Cheat. Back.

Some couples try this thing where the person who was cheated on then gets a “freebee.” In other words, that person can just also cheat. Don’t try this. It only makes things messier.

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Don’t even emotionally cheat back

Resist the urge to even emotionally cheat back. You may want, out of anger, to do little things to provoke jealousy or paranoia in your partner. But this won’t take you closer to fixing your relationship.

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You can make strict rules

You can and probably should set some rules for a while. These rules can consist of things like, your partner must call you every three hours, or your partner can’t hang out with female friends alone. That’s not much to ask after someone has cheated.

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But know that trust comes from the inside

You should know, that even with your rules, trust has to come from the inside. Your partner can follow all the rules you set but, you’ll have to meet him part way when it comes to just trusting again.

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Be prepared for judgment

Your friends and family will judge you for taking back a cheater. They always do. If you know what’s right for you then, you’ll just need to let this slide off your back. But also, don’t get mad at them—they just care about you.

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Trust your intuition

Listen to your intuition. No relationship is the same. No incident of cheating is the same. If you truly believe your partner is a good person who will never do this again, maybe that’s all you need to know. Meanwhile, if your intuition tells you he will repeat the action, then no amount of counseling or strict rules can help.