Are you the crisis friend?

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Because I’m a good listener and very empathetic, I often fall into the trap of being the crisis friend for people who are, well, going through a crisis. Don’t get me wrong—I am happy to be there for my friends when they’re going through a hard time, but there are several caveats I should bring up. 1) We need to have a long history of an established balanced friendship that’s been about both people and 2) They can’t only come to me when they’re going through a hard time. They should wan to be around me and talk to me during good times, too. If we didn’t have an established, balanced friendship before I became the crisis friend, then I am really just a free therapist. And if they only come to me in times of crisis then, that’s really no friendship at all, is it? So, are you the crisis friend? Here are the signs, and tips on how to get out of it.

This person cries around you a lot

If you think back on your interactions with this person and realize they cry to you most of the time you get together, you’re the crisis friend. Look, even if they cry half the time you get together, you’re the crisis friend. Do your other friends cry to you several times a month? I didn’t think so. And that’s because they don’t treat their time with you like therapy.

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They ask you to drop what you’re doing

If this person has called you several times in a panic and said they need you to talk to them or go to them right then and there because they’re having a panic attack or don’t know what to do with themselves, you’re the crisis friend. They believe that you will drop everything you’re doing to tend to their emotions. They don’t have boundaries.

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They talk most (or all) of the time you’re together

If you were to videotape and play back your hangouts, you’d realize that you never got more than two words in in two hours. This person just uses you as a sounding board—a living diary. They don’t seem to ask you about you.

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You feel exhausted after seeing them

After seeing this friend, you feel drained, mentally and emotionally tired, and depressed. You feel like you now need to go to your crisis friend…!

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Seeing them feels like a chore

If this person didn’t reach out to you about hanging out, you probably wouldn’t think about seeing them. And, of course not. Because we only think, on our own, about seeing people who make us happy and energize us. But if you’re someone’s crisis friend, you check seeing them off your to-do list like it’s a chore.

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They don’t make actual plans with you

This person never makes a real plan with you. They don’t find fun concerts, book stores, or hiking trails to take you to. They always just want you to come over and keep them company aka listen to them vent or cry while they fold laundry. They don’t seem to ask themselves would this be fun for my friend? What is she getting out of this?

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They’ve called you a “Savior” or their “Angel”

If this person has ever called you something along the lines of their “Savior,” or “Guardian Angel”, or if they’ve said something like, “I don’t know what I’d do without you,” then you’re the crisis friend.

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Now, onto getting out of it

Just because you’re a good listener and empathetic doesn’t mean that people should only like you for those qualities. You don’t need to feel guilty if you don’t want to be someone’s crisis friend. If you truly are as giving and nurturing as this person seems to think you are, then you deserve to have friends who lift you up, energize you, and make sure you get to have fun! So let’s get you out of this awful role.

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Insist on hanging in groups

You do not have to dedicate time to this person alone. Your free time is precious and you should get to spend it with people who make you happy and celebrate you rather than drain you of energy. So, you can tell this person they’re free to come with you out in a group. This will eliminate the dynamic in which they vent to you like you’re the therapist. If they don’t want to hang in a group, fine—then they don’t get to see you.

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Do not drop everything—set a time

It’s okay to tell someone that you cannot drop what you’re doing and run to them. You have a life. You could be working. Heck, you could even be doing something for yourself like enjoying a yoga class. You can tell this person you are busy, but you can set a time to meet up. You’ll likely find they don’t get around to setting a new time because, well, you’re the crisis friend—not the friend they make plans with.

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Say you need to get out/do something fun

When this person asks you to come over, say that, for your own sanity, you need to get out. You want to go on a hike, or go shopping, or go to the farmer’s market. You’re allowed to state what you need from the day. And, if they won’t go along, then they just don’t get to see you.

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Say, “Okay—my turn to talk!”

It’s alright to gently, playfully interrupt the person after they’ve been talking nonstop for 45 minutes and say, “Okay! My time to give updates! Don’t you want to know what’s happening with me?” Maybe nobody ever showed this person the way they behave.

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Make them come to you

You can also insist the person come to you. If they say they urgently need to see you, they can come to your place. You aren’t an on-call driver. If you’re the one giving out the nurturing/listening/free therapy, they can drive to you. Again, you’ll likely find that they just…don’t. So, you win.

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Make them help you with something

Next time you get together, ask them to help you with something. They might help you organize your closet, put photos in an album, give your dog a bath—whatever. But it’s a good way to remind them that they could also be of service to you sometimes. And then they may realize that it’s always been the other way around.

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Tell them it’s too much pressure

You can tell someone who calls you their “Angel” or “Savior” that, while that is flattering, it’s also a lot of pressure. You aren’t an angel—you’re a human being. You don’t have endless amounts of patience and generosity and time to listen. You need to be lifted up by friends if you’re going to lift them up.