Tough phases every married couple goes through
Tough Phases Every Marriage Goes Through
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I’m always a little worried when a couple gets married during the honeymoon phase, which can last around two to three years. I remember how I felt during that time with my now boyfriend of nearly six years and, well, it’s just not how I feel now. Just to be clear, how I feel is great. But, that state of euphoria that felt better than any drug possibly could—we’re not in that state anymore. We’re in a more calm, sustainable type of bliss. But, I do remember that the transition out of the honeymoon period and into this one sort of bumped me. I remember thinking, “Are we ending? Have we fallen out of touch?” And I can’t imagine what a terror it would be to experience those thoughts after having already tied the knot. That’s just the very first of many tough phases a couple can go through. Remember, life is very long. Here are the tough phases every married couple goes through.
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Ending the honeymoon
I touched on this in the intro, but it deserves a bit more attention. Even though I didn’t go through this phase as a married individual, I definitely went through it, and so have many of my friends. Imagine every day, for about two years, waking up like you won the jackpot, and one day…not. You don’t feel necessarily bad. But just the lack of that euphoric feeling can throw you for a loop. You just feel back to normal, and that can be mistaken for depression or even a broken connection with your partner.
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How you get through it
You’re bound to freak out, and ask your partner things like, “Are we growing apart?! Are you not in love with me anymore?!” But, if he knows you, he just thinks it’s (mostly) cute, and assures you nothing like that is going on. Honestly, you have scary thoughts like that every day for a couple of months until one day they just…go away. While you were having them, you didn’t realize you and your partner were busy building a new, calmer type of bond that takes over.
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Losing focus
So you get over getting over the honeymoon period and you feel confident in your relationship again. That means you feel safe to dedicate more attention to other areas of your life, like your work. But that means you suddenly find that you and your partner haven’t made enough time for each other for a while and feel distant—again.
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How you get through it
Every couple goes through this. You get so confident in your bond, that you don’t think you have to work on it, and you accidentally begin to lose it. So, you realize your mistake, and make a big push to focus on each other again. This could mean being militant about weekly date nights or monthly weekend getaways. It takes work, but you get that close feeling back, and vow not to let it slip away again.
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Everything’s about the baby
If you have children, then there are the years when everything is about the baby. But it’s not just the baby—it’s the village that the baby brings in. You need this village. You need the constant influx of family and friends who are helping out. But you and your partner reach a place where, once again, you feel a bit disconnected. You’re more like two CEOs of a very busy company who rarely get to interact, but are in charge of the same goals.
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How you get through it
You barely even have the time to notice the disconnect. Sometimes, you catch flutters of it, but then the baby needs to be fed or changed or soothed. The contractor shows up to work on the nursery renovations. Your in-laws show up to help prep you meals for the week. You’re fortunate enough to be mostly distracted until the baby is old enough for things to calm down. Then, you can exhale, feel confident leaving your toddler with a nanny, and schedule some one-on-one time with your partner.
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When work is everything
When you hit your stride in your careers, they can take over your life. When you were younger, work may have consumed your time but it didn’t consume your minds. When you were off the clock you were off it because you were just assistants or low-level employees. Now, you’re important in your workplaces and feel you can never turn your brains off when it comes to your careers. This, naturally, can create some distance at home.
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How you get through it
There isn’t any one way, but there is a unique way—something big happens. Something like a family member or close friend becoming ill. Something tough happens (as happens in life) and you and your partner realize how silly it is that you’ve let your work become your top priority. It can be in your top three, but your relationship and family should be vying for that top spot.
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When there isn’t enough work
Then there will be times when one or both of you feel stifled in work. Work can be slow. Clients may be disappearing, or just not coming to you. This can cause an identity crisis and depression that’s hard on the marriage. The person struggling with work can become irritable, and negative, and tough to be around.
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How you get through it
You talk to your friends who have been through the same thing. They assure you it is just a phase. You learn to be patient, and not take your partner’s irritability personally—you know it’s not about you. You become very good at meditation, and looking at the big picture. You remind yourself of facts like, “Time heals all” and “This too shall pass.” And then, it does pass. And you forgive all of your partner’s mood swings from the dark times.
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Middle age
And just as you’ve gotten through the work humps and the drama of raising young children, middle age hits. In this day and age, we’ll say this occurs around 50. You’ve been so busy living that you forgot about mortality. But now, it’s all either of you can think about for a while, and it gets you acting strange. Vanity takes over. You do things like make irresponsible purchases and engage in nearly inappropriate flirtations with other people. This is a time when divorce can nearly knock on the door. You can be convinced that the source of your unhappiness is your marriage (and not the fact that life, and mortality, can be scary and depressing).
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How you get through it
Not every couple does. In fact, divorce rates for the 50 and older group have been steadily increasing. Vanity (the need to feel young and desirable again) and pure fear of immortality (the desire to take risks and adventure before life is over) are very strong elements that can break some couples. But, if you make it through this period, you’ll probably make it through the whole thing.
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Empty nest
The empty nest may come at the same time as middle age (which is a terribly perfect storm) or, if you’re lucky, will come after you’ve gotten through the middle age dilemma, and are stronger for it. That doesn’t mean that having an empty nest isn’t difficult. It’s just you, and your partner again—plus the realization that so much of your identities and schedules were tied to raising children.
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How you get through it
Things are a bit wobbly at first. You try to reconnect with old friends. You try to take up new hobbies. Some stick; some don’t. You make the mistake of spending too much time in the house together. You almost feel like a couple who is new in town—re-developing a social life and calendar of activities. But, you eventually do it, and start to really enjoy having the house to yourselves again.
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Retirement
Retirement brings a whole new slew of identity crises. Your work was something that was getting you through empty nest syndrome, and now you don’t even have that! But furthermore, retirement brings the concept of mortality nearer.
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How you get through it
With a lot of gratitude. Perhaps religion. Definitely some sort of spirituality. It’s not uncommon for retired couples to return to their faith and get more involved in church/temple/or their chosen place of worship again. All of those passing things in life—having children, going on adventures, making money—you realize really were just that. Passing. And you need help feeling grounded again. Religion or some spirituality can help.
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That sums it up
As you can see, every time you think you’ve gotten through a storm and can expect smooth waters ahead, life always has something else in store for you. That’s why I highly recommend not getting married until you’ve at least gotten over the honeymoon phase and survived getting over it. Because that is just a training period for what’s to come.
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