Being With Someone With A Chronic Illness

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Trust issues, communication issues, commitment issues…these are all struggles couples can face. With the right counseling and by doing the work, they can overcome them. These are usually the types of problems depicted in romantic comedies, dramas, or just about any program about love. But what you don’t often see or hear about is a problem that isn’t really within a couple’s control: a chronic disease. Life can be funny sometimes, and it might give you a partner who is just perfect for you—you couldn’t possibly be more compatible or get along better—there’s just one thing: he has a chronic condition. Your interpersonal relationship is almost flawless but then you get thrown this curveball of a chronic condition. It’s going to affect your relationship if your relationship gets serious. Here is what it’s like dating someone with a chronic condition.

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Many trips are cut short

Get ready to cut a lot of trips short. When symptoms flare up, your partner may need to go to the hospital, go home to see his doctor, or just lay in bed in the hotel room for several days. Either way, many vacations will be cut short, without much warning.

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You can only soft RSVP

Any time friends invite you to something, you have to explain to them that you cannot guarantee you’ll be there. You’d like to be there, and as of now, your schedule is open, but if your partner’s symptoms flare up, all plans go out the window.

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You can’t look forward to things too much

You learn not to put too much stock in future plans. You don’t let yourself get too excited about anything because your partner’s condition could mean you have to cancel it.

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You often cancel at the last minute

You hate to be flaky, but you do often have to cancel plans at the last minute. Even if your partner wasn’t involved in those plans, you’re not exactly going to leave him alone at urgent care because you were meant to have brunch with your friends.

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Travel can be stressful

Traveling can be very stressful. It’s so important that all necessary prescriptions are filled and picked up in time for the trip. You need to know about hospitals and pharmacies near the hotel, in case of an emergency. Your partner may have very specific dietary needs that you need to work out with every hotel, host, and airline before traveling.

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Always get the insurance

You just learn to always add the trip insurance. You can’t afford not to. You will wind up using it half the time. You also add travel insurance to your partner’s health insurance plan, so that he’s covered if anything happens out of the country.

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They want some privacy

Your partner reserves the right to some privacy surrounding his condition. He may not like it if you tell your friends or family too much about his symptoms, the cost of medical bills and so on.

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**But you need to tell your friends something**

You’re left in a sticky spot because you need to tell your friends and family something about why you have to bail on plans so often, or why your partner is in the hospital so much.

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You worry it’s hereditary

You can’t help but worry that it’s hereditary. You’d never want to pass this onto any children—not after seeing how hard it is on your partner.

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His parents assess you as a caretaker

His parents hold you to a much higher standard than most future in-laws would. You aren’t just going to be their child’s partner—you’re going to be his nurse.

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The false hope of good days

You’ll have bouts of good days that last for weeks or even months—these bouts give you false hope that maybe your partner is cured. But chronic means chronic, and it can be devastating to get your hopes up like that only to have symptoms come back (which they will).

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People want to help

Everyone you know wants to give you advice to pass along to your partner when they hear about his condition. They have the best intentions, but you probably won’t tell your partner what they said—he’s already tried it all.

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Spontaneity isn’t really an option

You can’t spontaneously leave for the weekend or stay up all night. Your partner’s health relies on a very specific schedule and medications.

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You spend a lot of time in urgent care

You’ll find yourself spending a lot of time in urgent care, the emergency room, and doctors’ offices. You get to know the staff, the good vending machines, the nurses who are the most gentle with blood work and so on.

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You learn how much you love them

The truth is that, if you go through all of this with someone, you really love him. Most couples think they’re in love, but would quickly want to bail if they had to go through what you go through with a partner. It’s a testament to your bond.

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Dating someone with a chronic condition