Signs you haven’t forgiven your cheater

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Getting over being cheated on is no small task. Some people never do get over infidelity—it’s the ultimate breach of trust. When someone cheats on you, it can feel like they broke something you had together beyond repair. Of course, couples can stay together after infidelity, and many do. But it takes a lot of work—both individually and together in therapy (and of course at home). Simply saying, “I forgive you” will not get you back to feeling close, trusting, loving, and happy again. Getting through and past infidelity is very difficult. In fact, if you won’t acknowledge what a tremendous task it is, you may not be able to accomplish it. Too many couples just try to get back to the way things were, without doing the work, and that’s a recipe for disaster. If you haven’t done the work, here are signs you haven’t forgiven your cheater.

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You’re cold to his female friends

You aren’t friendly towards his female friends, coworkers, or acquaintances. Even if you’ve known them since before the cheating, you now associate them with an issue and a hazard.

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You question new female friendships

You don’t like your partner making new female friends at all. You don’t see the point in it. Even if he seems so happy to have made a new female friend, you look for reasons to dislike her, you call the activities they do together stupid, and you refuse to give the friendship your blessing.

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You’ve stopped making small, kind gestures

You aren’t doing anything mean, but you’ve stopped doing the nice things you used to do. You don’t make a little extra food, just in case he’ll be hungry. You don’t pick up his favorite beer, because you were at the store anyways. You don’t toss some of his dirty socks in the laundry with yours, when you know he needs some clean socks.

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You make jokes about you cheating

You often make jokes about the possibility of you cheating. You aren’t cheating, but you get a small, sick thrill out of forcing your partner to hear jokes about your hypothetical affair.

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You never initiate sex

You may be having sex with your partner again, but you aren’t initiating it. In fact, you usually say you’re too tired or not in the mood a few times before agreeing to it. You aren’t making him feel desired.

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You leave him out of socializing

You used to consult him before filling up your social calendar for the month, making sure you left some nights open for one-on-one time or could at least bring him along to the things you were doing. Now, you don’t do that. You just fill up your calendar. If he wants to hang out and your calendar is already full, too bad.

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You’re increasing time with male friends

It’s your way of subconsciously trying to make him jealous. You’re suddenly spending more time with your friends of the opposite sex without inviting your partner, and you’re telling him all about how great those male friends are.

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You take some joy in his disappointments

If you’re honest with yourself, you take a little bit of joy in his disappointments. When he doesn’t get something he wants, or has a bad day, it makes you a little bit happy—you want him to feel pain because he made you feel it.

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You get angry when he goes out

You feel a little anger stirring when he goes out with friends, or just without you. You find yourself being short in your text replies to him, or just saying, “Oh. Cool” when he tells you about his night.

You get angry when he drinks

You get really angry when he drinks. If he was drunk when he cheated, then you get really mad. Either way, you think he has impulse control problems so you hate when he drinks.

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You make passive aggressive, snide remarks

You’ve started to tease him more than you used to, but you punch just below the belt. You see what sort of mean remarks you can get away with, so long as you add, “Just kidding” after.

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You don’t fully celebrate his victories

You don’t go all in on celebrating his victories. You sort of purposefully don’t give him the reaction he wants when he calls to tell you his great news. You aren’t really happy about him being happy.

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You don’t bring him home as much

You used to bring him home every time you went to visit your family, and now you’re only doing it on the rare occasion. You claim you just “want alone time with the parents” but it’s your subtle way of kicking him out of the trust.

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You don’t initiate physical touch

You don’t initiate cuddling, kisses around the house, or hand holding in public. You allow it, but you don’t start it.