How the right person will bring down your walls

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“I’m too difficult to love,” “I can never trust anyone,” or “Nobody understands me” are just some of the reasons I’ve heard people give when I ask why they haven’t been in serious relationships. That last one about nobody understanding them, by the way, is a bit dramatic—don’t ya think? But a lot of adults really do feel that way. The truth is that, if you’re going to get into a serious, intimate, committed relationship, and you have intimacy issues, you’ll have to do a lot of personal work alone before getting involved with someone else. It is nobody’s job but your own to address your trust issues and trouble with intimacy. That’s too large of a task to put on another human being. That being said, even when we have worked out our issues, the right partner will help knock down a few of the last little walls, and make it feel less intimidating to trust someone. Here is how the right person will bring down your walls.

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They show you their flaws

This person won’t attempt to appear perfect to you. He will show you the fact that sometimes he is weak, insecure, selfish, and petty. He’ll show you his flaws so that you know it’s okay to show yours. He won’t try to hide his cards.

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They tell you about their mistakes

He will also tell you about things he’s done in the past that he isn’t proud of. He’ll talk about what he learned from his mistakes, and what he regrets. In this way, he’ll show you that it’s also okay if your past isn’t perfect.

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They don’t judge your flaws

The right person won’t write you off when you’re a little selfish, petty, or insecure sometimes. They’ll see you as you are—as a whole—and understand that these ugly sides are just tiny slivers of the real, strong, good you.

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They don’t judge your past

This person won’t judge your past, so long as it’s in the past. They won’t be shocked or disgusted when you tell them about things you’ve done that you regret. They’ll understand that those actions were a part of the journey that brought you to who you are today.

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In fact, they celebrate what you’ve learned

Actually, when you tell this person about your past, they won’t focus on the negative—they’ll only be impressed by how far you’ve come, and how much you’ve grown.

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They don’t freak when you’re needy

They won’t run away when you’re a little bit needy. Any mature person should understand that sometimes, people get needy. Isn’t a part of being there for someone providing strength when they’re weak?

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They don’t push you to discuss things

If you say you aren’t comfortable discussing something, they won’t become angry. They won’t become distrustful. They won’t point fingers or blame you of anything.

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But they tell you it would help with intimacy

With the last point being said, this person will gently tell you that, if you aren’t willing to open up about certain things, it will be difficult to get very close. They may not force you to talk about everything, but they also won’t let you escape the reality that, by not opening up, you’re hindering this relationship.

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They’re patient

This person will be very patient—as patient as you need them to be—regarding things like becoming exclusive, meeting family, moving in together etc.

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When a fight is over, it’s over

This person won’t bring up a fight once it’s over. Once you’ve decided it’s settled, it’s settled. They will show you that they don’t hold grudges, or secretly resent you for something they say they’re over. You’ll feel safe knowing that they always say what’s on their mind.

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They aren’t afraid if you’re triggered

This person will understand that most people have triggers. And if a topic—or a memory—makes you particularly sensitive, they’ll back off. They will, however, encourage you to explore that issue with a therapist. But they won’t force you through it and frighten you.

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They make themselves vulnerable

This person will make himself vulnerable, too. He’ll allow himself to be needy of you—of your support, of your comfort, of your affection, and of your attention. When he puts his wall down in that way, you can’t help but do the same.

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They’ll do boring, strenuous things with you

This person will show you that he is happy to be involved in even the less-than-exciting, and even difficult parts of your life. He won’t disappear when you’re going through something tough.

They share their insecurities

This person will share his insecurities with you. He won’t pretend to be 100 percent confident all of the time. In that way, he’ll show you that you, too, can be insecure in front of him.