Myths about commitment-phobes
Myths About Commitment Phobes
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We can accept when people have phobias about germs, spiders, crowded places, and other things that—truly—probably won’t end up affecting them in the long-term. And yet, we are very critical and even skeptical of people who have a phobia about commitment—something that will affect your life possibly forever. Maybe we should give commitment-phobes a bit of a break, turn that judgmental finger around, and ask, “Do the rest of us dive into commitment too easily?” The truth is, the best approach to commitment is probably somewhere in the middle of a phobia and rushing things. And the harsher truth is that many of us err on the side of rushing things, and we aren’t any better than commitment-phobes. Don’t forget that commitment addiction is also a problem. Here are myths about commitment-phobes that aren’t entirely true.
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They’re promiscuous
Just because someone doesn’t want to get into a serious relationship with one person doesn’t mean he or she wants to get into tons of casual relationships with tons of people. Some commitment-phobes just like to be alone. Commitment phobia and promiscuity do not go hand in hand.
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They’re picky
Are commitment-phobes just picky individuals, who would be willing to commit if some perfect, unicorn of a partner who doesn’t exist came along? I don’t know about that. But what if we rephrase it to say that commitment-phobes don’t believe they should waste their energy or hopes—or the energy or hopes of others—until they feel they’ve really found someone special. That’s not so bad, is it?
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They’ve been hurt
Well, duh! But who hasn’t? To live is to get hurt. So can we all stop saying commitment-phobes are just people who got burned too much one time, and because of it, won’t date again? Everybody’s been hurt a decent amount.
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They’re selfish
Just because someone doesn’t want to get into a serious romantic relationship doesn’t mean that they are, overall, selfish. Commitment-phobes can still be very generous with their friends and family, and very dedicated to their non-romantic relationships.
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They’re bad planners
Some say commitment-phobes are just bad planners—they’re flaky, and they like the option to be flaky. But, again, many commitment-phobes have perfectly wonderful, close non-romantic relationships with people that they plan things with all of the time.
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They don’t have good friends
Really, we have to stop thinking that commitment phobia means some inability to bond with human beings. Romantic relationships are unique, special, and require their own type of attention. Someone cannot want a romantic relationship, but still want close bonds in their life.
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They have bad relationships with their parents
Maybe they do, maybe they don’t. But people in perfectly healthy, loving, committed relationships can also have bad relationships with their parents. And, furthermore, commitment addicts (aka serial monogamists) can have bad relationships with their parents.
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They don’t have feelings
Or maybe they have so many feelings and are so sensitive that they just want to reduce the risk of hurting somebody, so they are putting off a committed relationship until they feel it will be the committed relationship.
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They don’t care about your feelings
See the last point. And, isn’t it actually quite considerate that a commitment-phobe tells you what you can and cannot expect? Isn’t that the ultimate in caring about one’s feelings?
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They’re liars and cheaters
Liars and cheaters and commitment-phobes do not belong in the same category. In fact, cheaters are often commitment addicts and serial monogamists who cannot be alone. Commitment-phobes aren’t typically the ones to get into serious relationships and cheat, because they don’t get into serious relationships in the first place.
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Only men are commitment-phobes
Since we now know that commitment-phobes can actually be very concerned with the feelings of others and take commitment very seriously (perhaps more seriously than others), we’d be shooting ourselves in the foot to say that only men are commitment-phobes.
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And all men are commitment-phobes
There’s no correlation between gender and the ability or desire to commit. So many factors affect one’s ability or desire to commit that have nothing to do with gender.
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They can’t be vulnerable
Commitment-phobes can be open about their thoughts, feelings, insecurities, and desires, just like anybody else can. Being vulnerable and committing to one person aren’t inseparable behaviors.
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They’re afraid
Well, sure! But who isn’t a little bit afraid of getting hurt? Everybody is.
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They’re just not into you
If someone tells you he’s a commitment-phobe, your friends might tell you, “He’s just not that into you.” But on the flipside, you might meet a serial monogamist who seems really into you and actually isn’t into you—he just needs to be with somebody. Anybody.
