Relationship rules that successful couples break

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A lot of relationship rules are seriously outdated—many come from a time when men and women in relationships weren’t also friends. Think very Don and Betty Draper type of relationships. Everything was very separate. Each person in the relationship was putting up an illusion. Perhaps that illusion was enjoyable, and made things work, but ultimately, people were holding a lot back. Today, thank goodness, most of us have realized that rigid rules really have no place in a successful relationship. No couple is the same, so no one rule could possibly apply to all couples. Maybe somebody, somewhere, at some time (like, a hundred years ago) was seen as a relationship guru among her friends and spewed this misinformed knowledge, but it’s time to ditch it. Here are relationship rules that successful couples break.

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Keep the mystery alive

As in, don’t wear your mustache removal cream or period panties around him, and never go to the bathroom with the door open. Nah—forget that. My boyfriend and I have no mysteries left and honestly, the fact that I can be so myself and at ease around him makes me more turned on. It creates an intimacy between us that actually makes sex more enjoyable.

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No fighting before bed

In an ideal world, you wouldn’t get into any disputes before bed. But if you do get into them, get into them. Think you won’t sleep well after a fight? Try sleeping when you’re just holding in a fight until the next day. Once you’re upset, you won’t be sleeping, so you may as well bring the issue up.

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Spend equal time with his friends and yours

This rule is ridiculous. Here’s the truth: I genuinely think my partner’s friends are a blast and I can clearly see that he doesn’t hit it off with my friends as much. He respects them. He recognizes the bond I have with them. But he doesn’t have the same explosive chemistry with my friends as I have with his. So when he hangs with my friends, he is making a small sacrifice. When I hang with his, I’m making no sacrifice at all. So why should he be expected to spend equal time with my friends?

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Never keeping score

While you shouldn’t get in the habit of keeping score, when the balances are clearly and heavily tipped in one direction, you need to speak up. Otherwise, you just wind up resenting your partner. I, for example, was the only person who bought toilet paper in our apartment for nearly a year. So I said something. Had it only been for a couple of months, I wouldn’t have. But a year? Come on.

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Splitting everything half and half

In the five years I’ve been with my boyfriend, we’ve both gone in and out of different financial situations. At the moment, mine is better, so if I want us to share an extra bottle of wine at dinner, I’ll pick it up. He would and has done the same for me. At one point, when you know you’ll conjoin money eventually, you don’t keep track of who pays for what. You just help out when you can.

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Don’t discuss the relationship with others

Some say you shouldn’t talk about your relationship to outsiders because it’s disrespectful to the relationship. I say that that mentality can be conducive to someone staying in a crappy relationship, and just not knowing it, because they didn’t consult their buddies. I consult my friends all the time, and gain valuable perspective by doing so.

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Tell each other everything

Hey, there is some information that I just know would make my partner worried for no reason, so I don’t share it with him. And you know what? I bet there is information he spares me from, not to benefit himself, but to benefit me. I’m okay with that.

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Take an interest in each other’s hobbies

You should have some awareness of your partner’s hobbies, but you don’t have to tag along to everything he does that you really don’t find interesting. It’s okay to admit, “I find your hobby boring. But I love you. So go have fun, and we’ll meet up later.” Not liking your partner’s hobby is not personal.

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Always put each other first

Life ebbs and flows a lot. In the first few years of a relationship, you need to put it first, to build that strong foundation. But if you’re together for decades, there will be times when you have to put your work, family, sick parent, or other things before the relationship. If it’s strong, it will survive.

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Have sex regularly

Don’t let your sex life die off entirely, but trust your attraction and commitment to each other enough to occasionally recognize you’re too busy for sex. Trying to stick to some rigid, “We have sex every Thursday at 8pm” rule takes the fun out of sex. You don’t want to do the deed and have it feel like a deed because then you’ll associate negative feelings around sex.

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Schedule regular alone time

There are months when I need more alone time than usual, and months when my boo and I spend almost every waking minute together. We do what feels right at the time. I’m not going to force myself to leave my partner on a Sunday afternoon because it’s “Time for my alone time” if, honestly, we feel like being together.

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Pick your battles

Again, this is a cute little rule that new couples can follow. But if you’re together for a lifetime, you can and should just tell your partner that his noise machine is annoying at night. If you have a strong relationship, it won’t be a whole thing.

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Support all of his endeavors

Another darling little rule new couples can follow, but long-term ones should break. If your partner has some business idea that you know will fail and leave him broke, speak the f*^# up. For everyone’s sake.

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Consult your partner on every decision

Once you get to know your partner really well, you get to know which subjects he isn’t very knowledgeable on, or can be very indecisive on. So sometimes, you just tell him, “I already ordered delivery. I got you this” and the night goes far more smoothly than if you’d debated over what to eat for two hours.