what it’s like for brides who don’t have dads

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Nobody’s relationship with their parents is perfect. We’ve all bumped heads with our parents a lot. We’ve all struggled with boundary issues with our parents. There have been times we wish our parents had been there more for us, and times we wish they’d butted out. There have been things we wanted our parents to give us that they wouldn’t, and plenty of advice that they did give us that we didn’t want. But, at the end of the day, for most women, when their wedding day arrives, it feels right to have their dad give them away. No matter what happened in the past, that’s their dad—their one and only. But some women don’t even have the luxury of contending with past drama or complicated feelings about their father before their wedding day because some brides don’t have fathers. Here’s a look at what it’s like for brides who don’t have dads to walk them down the aisle.

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That moment with the planner

There’s that moment when you meet with your wedding planner to discuss the choreography of the event—which bridesmaid will walk with which groomsman and who will stand where under the gazebo. You have to tell her you don’t have a dad, and she has to at once rejigger her whole vision while trying to show sympathy.

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That moment with the officiant

You also have to explain to the officiant, when he asks who will be giving you away, that you do not have a father. There are quite a few key players in your wedding who relied on you having a dad to perform their usual duties, and you get tired of having to give them the news.

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You get a lot of well-intended but uncomfortable offers

A lot of people offer to walk you down the aisle, and while it’s very sweet, it’s also very uncomfortable having to tell them no in a diplomatic way. Some people actually get offended, which is infuriating because how are they making this about them?

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You feel guests pity you while you walk

You can feel guests trying not to pity you when you do make that walk down the aisle. You’re glad that they’re remembering your father, but you also wish this moment didn’t have to be a solemn one.

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You try hard to honor his memory

You feel pressure to make sure you honor your father properly. You want to make sure he is represented enough such that his immediate family and friends don’t feel offended.

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But honoring it also makes you emotional

Honoring your father at your wedding also makes you very emotional, and you worry that the photos and memorabilia will make you burst out in tears on your big day. Then, you feel guilty for having this concern.

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You understand it’s difficult for your mother, too

It hurts you to see how difficult all of these moments are for your mother, too. Not only does she miss your father but she also feels incredibly sorry for you that you don’t have him on your big day.

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You yearn for a tradition you didn’t even like

You may not even be a fan of the father giving away the bride tradition, but when it’s not even an option to you, you miss it.

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Building a family takes on a new meaning

You’re not just extending your family by getting married; you’re perhaps even patching up some holes, and making something that felt broken feel a little stronger.

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Reworking the father-daughter dance

You also need to find someone to do the father-daughter dance with. For this, you also receive a lot of uncomfortable offers.

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When people don’t know and say the wrong thing

When you tell some strangers you’re getting married, they share stories of their dance with their dad, the funny thing their dad said, and other things about their father. Then they feel terrible when you tell them you don’t have one.

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That aisle looks too wide

The aisle looks too wide. You never realized how wide the aisle was, and how it’s so clearly made for two people, until you didn’t have a dad to share it with.

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You have to be strong for others

You find yourself having to be strong for others. People become overcome by pity for you, and they start crying, and you have to comfort them.

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It hits you when you put on the dress

You may not have a break down during much of the planning, but the moment you put on the dress on your big day, it all becomes real. This is when many fatherless brides break down.