Things you should never do to a penis

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Many women have the wish to have a penis, just for one day, so that they can know exactly what it feels like—what feels good, what feels bad, what men like, and what men don’t like. Men say that the penis is a simple, straightforward organ, but it really is not. If it were simple and straightforward, then men wouldn’t have to give us any instruction, or sometimes say, “Ow!” We’re trying our best. But only the owner of the penis knows what amount of pressure, friction, or speed is right. A lot of men also complain that their parents ignore their member entirely, just going straight for intercourse and skipping the foreplay. So some of us may overcompensate by paying it attention in the wrong ways. So, here it is, from the mouths of men: things you should never do to a penis.

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Go down there when it’s soft

It’s awkward for everyone. He doesn’t want you interacting with his small, soft, shriveled member. Don’t go down there until he’s hard. Then he’ll be glad to have you down there.

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Knock it with your knee

Be very careful when switching positions! If you’ve been on top, facing him, and want to turn around to do reverse cowgirl, watch your knees. Should one of them hit his member, he’ll be in a lot of pain.

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Go down there after eating spicy foods

You know how it feels when you eat spicy food and accidentally rub your eyes? Well imagine that sensation on your genitals. Yeah. Ouch. Men don’t want that either so don’t go down there after eating spicy food.

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Bend a hard one

Obviously, there are some angles involved in intercourse but don’t try to pull off some extreme angle by which your body essentially bends his penis. The penis can break.

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Nibble on it

Just, no teeth. No, you’re not the person who is good at it. Nobody is good at it because there is no such thing as a good way for teeth to interact with a penis.

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Slap it

If your partner is into being slapped, that does not include his penis. If he likes it rough, that does not mean he wants you being rough with his penis. You can do all the crazy, aggressive BDSM things you want but when you get down there, be gentle.

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Forget the lube

Don’t put your hands down there without lube! Saliva isn’t typically enough. Using your hands, dry, creates painful friction.

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Put anything in there

This shouldn’t even have to be said, but some individuals are getting into putting things inside the tip of the penis. This can result in infections or visits to the emergency room.

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Keep your hands off of it

For goodness sake, show it some love. Don’t just lie there, letting him do all the foreplay, and wait for intercourse. Yes, he’ll still enjoy himself either way—he’s a man who is getting sex. But you’ll come off as selfish.

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Look away from it

Don’t look away from it. That doesn’t make him think you’re enjoying yourself very much. If you’re uncomfortable with the site of the thing, Google some images, watch more adult films, and get used to it. Imagine if a guy looked away from your vagina…

Kiss it

I mean, you can. But it’s mostly awkward and does nothing for him, sensation-wise.

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Fail to give it a rest

If you want a long night in the sack with plenty of sessions, just know that your man’s member needs a rest. If he says it isn’t ready, it isn’t ready. So don’t start trying to stimulate it because it’s sensitive.

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Talk to it in a baby voice

No no no no no. In fact, maybe just avoid talking directly to his penis. Your partner is perfectly happy to have all dirty talk directed to his ears.

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Dress it

Don’t put a hat on it. Don’t put a dress on it. If you notice a little thimble lying by the bed while you’re going down on him, don’t put that on there, either.