Things You Should Never Change For A Partner

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I don’t love the saying, “Relationships are about compromise.” I believe that sometimes relationships call for compromise—but are they about compromise? I should certainly hope not. If your relationship survives on incessant, never-ending, every hour, on-the-hour compromises, then you’re with the wrong person. The idea that compromise is the main ingredient of relationships is a dangerous one that makes many women think it’s perfectly fine to be in a relationship with someone who forces you to transform your core values. In fact, I can almost promise you that your friends in unhappy relationships often claim, “Relationships are about compromise!” when you point out how utterly miserable they seem. You may have to bend here or there to be happy with the right person, but here are things you should never change about yourself for a partner.

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Your need for monogamy

If you are monogamous by nature, don’t ever let a man pressure you into having a polyamorous relationship. You know what makes you feel happy and safe and if that’s not it, then it’ll never work.

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Your friends

Your friends have had your back since long before this dude showed up. If you know your friends are good for you and love you for who you are, then any man who is right for you will see that.

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Your desire to work

You’d be surprised how many men in this day and age want their female partners to quit their jobs, stay at home, and be “kept women”—available for their male partner’s needs and attention at any given moment. If you want to work, don’t let a man convince you otherwise.

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Your preferred form of birth control

So your partner wants you to go on the pill so that he can stop wearing condoms? Well, he isn’t the one who would be taking all sorts of hormones and risking side effects so that’s not his decision to make.

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Your flamboyance

If you are loud, boisterous, love to dance, are the life of the party and always telling a story, so you should be. Don’t ever let a partner tell you to tone down your flamboyance.

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Your weight

There may be times in life when you need to change your weight, but you should never do it for a partner. All body-related changes should be made for yourself and only yourself.

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Your charity

If you like to donate a little bit of money to the ASPCA every month, or hand out your extra singles to homeless individuals, or spend your Saturdays serving at a soup kitchen, don’t ever let anyone suggest you spend your money or time otherwise.

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Your need for alone time

If you need a certain amount of alone time to feel centered, energized, and happy, don’t let a partner make you feel guilty about that, or encroach on that alone time.

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Your goals

However large, impressive, intimidating or even unrealistic they may be, they are your goals. They’re what keep you going. They’re what get you out of bed in the morning. A good partner will love that you have them and support them.

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Your personal style

Though style seems like a frivolous thing, it actually isn’t. Your personal style is a reflection of who you are. If you like to wear tights under shorts with bright yellow boots, that’s your personality shining through. A partner who loves your personality as it is will love all the ways you show that personality.

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Your hobbies

If antique music box collecting is your thing—if you enjoy perusing websites and vintage stores on the weekends to find these things—don’t let a partner suggest it’s dumb, or ask you to give it up for his sake. He has his own hobbies that he can do while you’re doing yours.

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Your relationship with your family

So maybe you have one of those highly involved families. You have a big barbecue together every week. Your mom pops by often to say hello. You do an hour-long phone catch-up with your sister twice a week. If that bothers your partner, then your support system bothers him, and that’s not good.

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Your spirituality

Everyone accesses their spirituality in different ways. For you, that could be through meditation, crystals, burning sage, having a no-electronics day once a week or more. Don’t ever let a partner interfere with that.

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Your sexual preferences

If there are things you just don’t want to do in bed—bring in a third person, BDSM, watch porn while you’re at it—don’t let someone pressure you into that.

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Your quirks

Do you snort when you laugh? Turn your napkins into little swans at restaurants? The right person will find these things endearing rather than embarrassing.

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Things you should never change for a partner