Crazy thoughts all pregnant women have but don’t want to admit

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It’s not like pregnancy is some everyday, ordinary, routine occurrence. It’s a bizarre, life-changing and sometimes once in a lifetime experience. You’re growing a human inside of you. You’re preparing to worry about the wellbeing of someone else forever. Your body is going through all sorts of changes, both aesthetically and hormonally. Nothing about this experience is standard and, as such, the thoughts you have during it won’t exactly be “normal” either. If you’re pregnant, try not to be too hard on yourself for the things you think. It’s not like you’re acting on your urge to move to some all-women’s community in the Amazon because your partner is making you angry because he put this thing inside of you!!! No, no, no. You are just thinking that. And that’s perfectly fine. Here are crazy thoughts all pregnant women have but don’t want to admit.

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I’m never having sex with my partner again

It’s pretty normal to think, each time you throw up from morning sickness, can’t have a cocktail, or can’t fit behind the steering wheel of the car, “I’m never having sex with my partner again!”

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My doctor is so calm; f*ck her

So you’re going through hell on earth, enduring the most terrifying thoughts, and discussing rather frightening topics with your OBGYN and she is just…smiling? How dare she! Doesn’t she know that you are special and the only woman who has ever gone through this? She should be treating this like a freaking medical phenomenon!

Gettyimages.com/Ultrasound showing the side-view of a fetus. Ultrasound is a non-invasive, safe method to look at the unborn fetus to check that the baby is developing normally. The newest ultrasound equipment is very advanced and provides clear images of the fetus’s ana

Fetuses are hideous

When you first see that sonogram, you’re supposed to be all, “Aaaw” and “Wow!” but you’re really thinking, “That thing’s hideous. Is it supposed to look like a few lima beans?”

Young woman with stomach issues in toilet hemorrhoid pain in the butt.

I’m afraid to poop out this baby

Some women are worried that if they strain when they poop, they’ll accidentally push the baby out early. That really isn’t possible. You shouldn’t strain, however, since that can cause tearing down-south. Just drink plenty of water and eat fiber-rich foods to avoid constipation during pregnancy.

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What if he/she just never comes out?

Every pregnant woman at some point (especially if she’s overdue) has that panicked thought of, “Oh my gosh. What if this thing never comes out!? What if she just lives in me forever?! It can’t possibly fit through my vagina. It’s not anatomically possible. This thing is never leaving my body.”

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My partner is cheating on me I know it!

You naturally feel less-than-glamorous when you’re pregnant. So it’s normal to have those irrational thoughts about your partner wishing he were with that skinny beanpole he works with instead of the globe he sleeps next to. But that globe is the love of his life and carrying his child—he loves you and your massive stomach.

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I think there is more than one baby in there

Many women fear that the doctor missed something—that the sonogram wasn’t thorough and that there is another baby hiding in there. They can go a little nuts, staying up at night, listening for a second set of legs kicking.

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If I get out of bed, I’ll fall over

Then there comes that day when you are so damn pregnant you think, “If I get out of bed today, I’ll fall over. With the way gravity works, it’s just not possible for me to walk around.”

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This baby must be mostly my DNA

When you’re the one who does the carrying of the baby, the vomiting, the doctor’s appointments and all, it’s easy to sometimes think, “This baby must be mostly my DNA. It is growing inside my body. I’m basically a single mom.”

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My kid is going to hate me

If you get in a fight with your own mother while you’re pregnant (which you will, because she will be overbearing) it’s natural to think, “Oh my gosh. I can’t stand my mom and my kid won’t be able to stand me! I’m just growing a little person who will hate me.”

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I can only lie on my back

Plenty of pregnant women fear that if they lie on their sides or stomach that they will crush the baby inside of them. That isn’t possible.

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What if the kid isn’t mine?

Hey, your hormones are surging and you haven’t slept in days because morning sickness has happened all night. You become a bit loopy and wonder if perhaps some alien or demon planted this thing inside of you and it just isn’t yours.

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The baby is gone

Many pregnant women have the pressing and irrational fear wash over them that the baby is just…gone. That it just disappears one day. Maybe they haven’t felt it kick in a couple of days, or just haven’t had much morning sickness and think, “It just…disappeared.”

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I can wear my regular clothes

Every pregnant woman tries to resist maternity clothes at one point and leave the house in daisy dukes and a regular tank top. Everyone makes the mistake at least once.