How men can tell you're in a self-discovery phase

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Not only is self-discovery not a bad thing—it’s a very important thing! On the other side of self-discovery is career success, fulfilling friendships, a healthy relationship with food and—yes, you guessed it—the potential for finding your mate. That being said, self-discovery is intense and when done right, immersive. It can and should consume your life until it’s done (that’s an oxymoron because, of course, you’re never done discovering yourself…but you will go through a phase of self-discovery that is particularly trying before things level out). As such, it’s tough to carry on a relationship when you’re in the middle of figuring out who you are, how to love yourself, what you want out of this life, and what your values are. There’s a good chance you’re repelling partners because you’re clearly still figuring things out, and that’s fine. Here is how men can tell you’re going through a period of self-discovery.

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You recently burnt several bridges

When you’re going through a phase of self-discovery, you tend to discover there are a lot of people in your life who you don’t need there. If you tell your date all about the friendships you recently severed because they were holding you back, he knows what time it is.

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You can’t do small talk

You can’t fathom just talking about your favorite parks or clothing stores. Every topic must be enormous—you dive right into religion, spirituality, love, and self-awareness on a first date. When we are still expanding our minds, we can’t be comfortable in small topics. Only when you are confident in your wisdom and experiences can you enjoy small talk.

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You’re not just in therapy; you’re into therapy

Being in therapy is one thing; being into therapy is another thing. This means that most of what you talk about has to do with what you discovered in therapy that week.

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You’re reading the books of great thinkers

You’ve recently collected all of the books of great thinkers, gurus, philosophers, and spiritual leaders. You’re a walking encyclopedia of their most famous quotes and philosophies.

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You have a very active mentor

You don’t just have a mentor; you have a very active mentor. You meet with your mentor several times a week. You speak on the phone every day. You don’t really make a decision without consulting your mentor first.

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You go on a lot of retreats

Retreats are all-immersive, all-consuming, intensive experiences. People tend to go on retreats when their mental or emotional wellbeing is so out of whack that they sort of need a boot camp for it.

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You’re always trying some new challenge

For every week or month for the next year, you have a new challenge prepared. This could be the Whole 30, or going sugar-free, or quitting alcohol for a month, or doing a social media cleanse.

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You have a lot of vision boards

Ah, the vision board, perhaps a favorite item of those too busy thinking to do any doing. But they are an important launching board to that phase of actually doing things.

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You’re selling your belongings

You’re on an obsessive material possessions cleanse. Your apartment is nearly empty. You love to talk about your newfound disdain for items and your newfound love of minimalism.

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You’re making amends

You’re very big on making amends right now. You’re reaching out to people you haven’t spoken to in a decade to apologize, or just reconnect. You’re visiting and doing favors for family members you think you’ve neglected.

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You’re rigid in your mental health habits

You will not bend your rules. If you say you must meditate every single day at 7am, then you must. You will not change that because a friend asks you to have breakfast then. She has to wait until you’re done.

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You have some offbeat friends

You seem intent on gathering some offbeat friends. There’s nothing wrong with having offbeat friends. But it almost seems like you’re seeking out and even forcing friendships with elderly individuals, silent monks, homeless people, and nudists. You seem to have some collect-them-all thing happening with different characters.

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You’re impulsive and slightly irresponsible

You’re pretty hard to predict. There’s no knowing if next time your date sees you, you’ll have shaved your head, died your hair purple, gotten a bull ring in your nose, or adopted a zoo animal that you’ve had registered as an emotional support pet.

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You talk a lot

When the mind isn’t calm, the mouth is loud. People who are still figuring out who they are and working out their thoughts about life tend to talk a lot. When you have things (mostly) figured out, there isn’t much to say.