The time my boyfriend told me my vagina smelled

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When it first happened, I didn’t want to go near my boyfriend for weeks. I’d awkwardly make jokes about it to try to ease the situation, but my boyfriend didn’t feel like he was allowed to laugh. I wouldn’t change in front of him, for fear that I hadn’t gotten things under control. What am I talking about? I’m talking about the time my boyfriend told me my vagina smelled. Yup—that happened. Can you imagine the horror? It’s pretty hard to feel sexy after that, but you have to find some way to persist. If you’ve been through this terrifying experience yourself, then maybe you’ll take some comfort in knowing you’re not alone. Or at least maybe my story will make you laugh. Hold onto your va-jay-jay. Here is the terrifying but true story of the time my boyfriend told me my vagina smelled.

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First, sex dropped off

We are busy people. We’ve gone through sexual dry spells before. Sure, there had been a few pockets of time when we clearly could’ve had sex. My boyfriend didn’t bring it up during those times. But hey—maybe he just forgot. He had a lot on his mind.

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So, I brought it up

The man can’t be expected to initiate things every time, right? I’m a grown woman with desires and needs. So, the next time we had an opening in our busy schedules to do it, I suggested it. But he said he had a stomachache. I can understand that.

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So, I brought it up again

The next time I brought it up, my boyfriend said he’d been under a lot of stress that week and just wouldn’t be mentally present if we did it. He said it wouldn’t be fair to me, because his mind would be somewhere else. Okay. Aw. How considerate of him, really.

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The third time I brought it up

The third time I brought up sex, my boyfriend was up for it. But I did notice him down two beers rapidly right before. He didn’t usually need to be buzzed for us to do the deed, but hey—it was his Friday night and who was I to judge his need to unwind?

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We did it, and he didn’t finish

So we had sex and my boyfriend didn’t finish. This had never happened before. Ever. But, he is only human. I didn’t want to make him feel self-conscious. So I didn’t say anything.

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We did it a second time, and he didn’t finish

Okay, now I knew something was up. This was not normal. This is a man with a perfectly functioning penis. It must be me. Something must be up.

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Then I realized something

When we were getting it on, and my partner took off my underwear, he quite obviously turned his head away. Okay if I can be honest: it looked like the head turn a mom does when taking what she knows will be a very stinky diaper off of a baby.

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So I asked him if I was the problem

Are you not attracted to me anymore? Am I doing something weird in bed? Do you need more foreplay? Did I not shave well enough? “No, no, no, no, no. No. No. NO” He said. That’s a lot of no’s. A suspicious amount of no’s.

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Then, he tried this tactic

“I just think it’s a particularly hot summer,” my boyfriend said. “I personally feel gross. I should’ve taken a shower before we did it.” Aw! He felt insecure about his own smell! I assured him, “You smell fine! You didn’t need to shower!” To which he said “Well, hey, I mean, everybody could benefit from taking a shower before sex.” Everybody? As in me too?! “Excuse me, are you saying I need to shower before sex?!” I asked him. “Does my body smell bad?!” I pushed.

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He gave this sly answer

“Well, not your whole body—most of your body smells great.” OKAY EXCUSE ME WTF BRO. I knew what was up then. “My vagina smells, doesn’t it?” is what I said. My boyfriend replied, “I would never say that.” Just because you aren’t saying it doesn’t mean you aren’t thinking it. Then, he gave in. He told me there had been an aroma. That it wasn’t always there, but it seemed to come out when it was very hot. I told him that I couldn’t help the heat—I don’t control the weather. He said, “Yes, but you could run a little extra soap down there when it’s hot.”

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I explained I was normal

I told my boyfriend that women are not supposed to put soap down there—that it can throw off our pH levels and put us at risk of infections. Does he want me to risk an infection to make my vagina more enjoyable for him?! He said “It can’t possibly be true that you’re never supposed to put soap down there.” I told him it was true.

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We sent each other articles

We then both dug up articles on whether or not it’s safe to put soap on your vagina. There was a lot of argument over the difference between putting soap on or in your vagina. I insisted there was no difference because once soap is around the area, it will seep inside.

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I spoke to my girlfriends

With horror, I confessed the situation to my friends. My boyfriend and I hadn’t had sex for three weeks at that point and things were getting tense. Much to my delight (maybe?) I found out that several of my girlfriends had been through the same thing. Dozens of us were secretly hiding these awful stories in the deepest corners of our memories—the time our boyfriends told us our vaginas smelled.

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I’ve agreed to a little soap

I finally bought a very gentle, all-natural soap that I put just on the outside of the area. My boyfriend and I actually have a fun little dynamic now when I announce when I’m cleaning the area, and even ask him if he’d like to come get a sniff. He thinks that’s pretty cute, and we’re back to having a lot of sex. (Well, not a lot—we’re still pretty busy. But my smelly vagina isn’t getting in the way).