Pondering the great question: “Why am I not married and in my 30s?” (Shutterstock)
As a single, 30-something year old woman, I’ve got explaining why I’m still unmarried down to a science. You’re at a dinner party, a wedding, a barbecue, or at a place where everyone is coupled up, and then folks find out you’re single…still. Once they get past the shock of your singlehood, they ask you if you’ve considered YouKnowTheSite.com. That’s when it gets fun for me. I’ve actually practiced my responses. Here are a few:
Why are you still single?
“That’s a mystery right up there with ‘Who Shot Biggie?’”
“My fiancé is doing a bid”
“Why aren’t you?”
No one really asks smart, successful, good-looking men why they’re single but if you’re a smart, successful, attractive woman, people want to know what’s wrong with you. While many women find this question so maddening that they don’t even bother to answer it, other women might actually wonder if there issomething wrong with them. There is nothing wrong with being single, a woman, or in your thirties – all at the same time. But if you’re trying to figure out why a woman might be unwed and in her 30’s, here are some reasons to ponder…if you really truly care.
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1. She Doesn’t Want to Get Married
Duh. Not all women dream of white dresses, flowers and a diamond ring. Okay, maybe they want a ring…but it can simply be a ring with diamonds in it. I say all that to say, not all women want to get married. It’s just that simple. Whether she revels in the sound of silence, wants to drink straight out of the orange juice container without someone giving her the side-eye, or just enjoys her own company (and space), there is no rule that says all women should be dreaming of their wedding day from the time they can walk. Not all women want to bag a husband – and that doesn’t mean we don’t a relationship or to be in love. Having a meaningful relationship and being in love do not presuppose that marriage should automatically follow, and some women feel that a piece of legally binding paper does not validate their love, or even their child(ren). If she sees the institution of marriage as archaic, or simply isn’t pressed to have a “traditional marriage,” then that’s her choice. There’s nothing wrong with living a fabulous, single life.
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2. She’s a Hopeless Romantic
Some women, at any age, are still single because they’re hopelessly searching for her Prince Charming – the perfect man who does not exist. She’s seen one too many chick flicks or read more romance novels than any sane woman should, and now she believes that the man of her dreams comes wrapped in a perfect package that somewhat resembles Morris Chestnut (Morris from The Best Man days). So if he’s not tall enough, dark enough, handsome enough, or makes her heart go pitter patter after they both hale down the same cab and lock eyes, then it can’t be love…so she moves on. The man who will sweep her off of her feet is out there, and she’s going to find him if it kills her! But sadly, he doesn’t – except in her mind – so she remains single…and searching.
3. She’s Picky
Okay, so maybe “picky” isn’t the right word…but she’s not willing to settle. After all, she’s spent her life getting an education, building a career and buying a home, so she knows what she brings to the table and she’s not taking any shorts for a man who she perceives as “having less” than she does. If he doesn’t have a certain degree, own his own home, drive a certain car or have a certain career, then he can keep on steppin’ as far as she’s concerned. Sure, she might be shallow, could be missing out on great guys and blocking her blessing, but that’s for her to figure out. And there’s nothing wrong with having standards either. However you look at it, women who feel they don’t have to settle don’t give in to the pressures of society to be married by a certain age, or settle down with a guy because their friends and family told her it was “time.” While women who want to be married should make sure their list of traits in a future husband are reasonable, she shouldn’t have to choose “Mr. Good Enough” either.
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4. She’s Career Driven
This woman has decided to dedicate her life to achieving success in her career, thus leaving no room for a relationship, let alone a husband. She might be open to marriage…one day. But for now, that corner office is calling and no man or child will keep her from reaching her goals. She may even just opt for the child, and not the man since a lot of women view a husband as just another person to take care of anyway. Maybe she’ll think about a man once she’s a VP at the age of 40 and she realizes it’s lonely at the top. Or maybe – just maybe – her career or life’s work will be fulfillment enough. No husband necessary.
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5. She’s Not Ready
Some women after 30 are still trying to figure themselves out, whether that means emotionally, mentally or spiritually. Marriage is a huge responsibility, and it takes maturity, compromise and selflessness on many levels in order to build a successful relationship. If you still are trying to “do you” or figure out what you want in a relationship, then take your time and learn what makes you happy first before you jump into a relationship. If a woman is not ready to share, still has selfish tendencies or is too stubborn to compromise (and recognizes this in herself), then she should definitely hold off on marriage until she is actually ready to be a wife.
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6. She Simply Hasn’t Found Him yet
Sometimes we have to kiss a lot of frogs to find “our” Prince (note: not Prince Charming, just the man compatible for us) and if that means a woman doesn’t find him until she’s in her 30’s, then so be it. Just because a woman is single doesn’t mean she’s not looking for love. That’s something we all want at our core but it can be elusive at times and it just takes some of us longer. So what, she hasn’t met a man who does it for her yet? That’s fine. In the meantime, she has more time to sort through her issues, know herself better, and can do a better job at identifying compatibility with potential dates when she meets him – and certainly be better at it than when she was in her 20s. If anything, maybe finding her perfect mate will get easier as she gets older, because she hopes that her soul mate knows exactly what he wants in a partner too by the time she meets him. No time will be wasted, no games will be played and the both of them can get right to the business of building a great life together. But until then, she’s single by choice…and no woman at any age should have to explain herself.
